Texting John
by siriuslyholly
Summary: A series of texts sent between John and Sherlock. Hilarity ensues, followed by heartbreak. One-shot.


_**Warnings: Innuendos and implied sexual relationship.**_

_** If you read, you are obligated to review. :D**_

_**Enjoy!**_

* * *

I need a pineapple and a meerkat. -SH

What for -JW

Experiment. -SH

What kind of experiment requires a pineapple and a meerkat -JW

I am testing the effects of alcohol on zoological animals. -SH

So what is the pineapple for -JW

Cocktails. -SH

* * *

Sherlock there's a rabbit in the freezer -JW

It isn't even dead -JW

Sherlock -JW

I let the rabbit out of the freezer. It was cold -JW

Why did you let it out, John? I was experimenting. -SH

It was almost frozen solid. I don't want to know what sort of experiment you were doing -JW

The rabbit ate my newspaper before I'd even read it -JW

Oh god it pissed on the carpet -JW

Mrs Hudson said we're not allowed a pet anymore -JW

Sherlock there's a man here who said you were looking after his daughter's rabbit. I gave the rabbit back. You can't freeze children's pets Sherlock -JW

The rabbit chewed the buttons off your purple shirt before it left -JW

When will you be back? It's past seven -JW

I'll be back shortly. Had to buy a new purple shirt. -SH

* * *

Where are you -JW

Deducing. -SH

But where -JW

The zoo. -SH

Oh god -JW

Don't try and steal a meerkat again -JW

Please tell me you didn't steal a meerkat -JW

Of course not, that experiment was last week. -SH

I liberated a penguin instead. -SH

* * *

Sherflock -JW

Sherlcock I'm superman - JW

I think I'm wearing your pants -JW

They're blue-JW

They're really tight -JW

And chafing -JW

You're drunk. -SH

No shit Sherlock ha ha -JW

* * *

Sorry about whatever I did last night -JW

I can delete it. No harm was done. -SH

I can't remember much -JW

I don't doubt it. You were highly intoxicated. -SH

I didn't do anything too embarrassing did I -JW

Lestrade found you in a gutter outside the Black Horse pub. He brought you back here and then you kissed the skull. And then me. -SH

What -JW

Why did I do that -JW

I swear I don't remember that -JW

I'm sorry Sherlock we'll talk about it when I get home -JW

No need. From my observations, I have concluded that you get "kissy" when you have consumed four or more pints of beer. -SH

Only four? -JW

* * *

John? -SH

I'm not talking to you -JW

But you are texting me, it seems. -SH

Shut up -JW

I apologise for what I said earlier. -SH

I didn't mean it. -SH

Well, I did, but it came out wrong. -SH

I was correct when I said that you only seem to date stupid women. However, I think you misunderstood my next statement. -SH

I didn't mean that you were as stupid as them. I meant that you were finding a partner of equal intelligence compared to my intellect. -SH

That came out wrong too. -SH

John? -SH

* * *

Where are you? I've been talking to you for three hours and now you've been disappeared. -SH

I went to work three hours ago sherlock -JW

Which means you were talking AT me rather than to me -JW

I filled in your parts of the conversation. You tend to agree with me more that way. You decided that we need another skull for the fireplace and that we should try roleplaying. -SH

What? -JW

Roleplaying? -JW

I've already bought your outfit and props. -SH

Props? -JW

I'm coming home early so we can talk -JW

I meant roleplaying the crime scene of the case, John! It will help me picture the murder better. -SH

Oh -JW

* * *

Last night was just... wow -JW

Good. I researched the proper methods beforehand. I hope it was satisfactory. -SH

It was more than bloody satisfactory -JW

I'm pleased. I enjoyed myself too. -SH

Really? But I didn't return the favour -JW

It was useful for my research. -SH

I'm nervous to ask what research you mean -JW

Research into what techniques of massage relieve psychosomatic pain, obviously. -SH

I hope you don't write about this on your blog. People will talk -JW

They already do. -SH

* * *

SHERLOCK I CAN'T WORK OUT HO -JW

SHERLOCK I CAN'T WORK OUT HOW TO USE MY NEW PHONE -JW

HOW DO I TURN THE CAPITAL LETTERS OFF -JW

SHERLOCK HELP IT LOOKS LIKE I'M SHOUTING WHEN I'M NOT -JW

Ok don't worry I've got it -JW

Having fun, John? -SH

Gsddkdkjdkdkdkdkkjdkdk -JW

No. I keep on pressing buttons that I don't mean to press -JW

Ducking phone - JW

You just pocket-dialled me. Please refrain from doing so in the future. I do not wish to hear your muffled disastrous dating conversations. -SH

Disastrous? -JW

Yes. I may not have dated women myself, but I have researched the practice thoroughly. I could point out where you're going wrong if you'd like? -SH

I'd rather scrape out my own eyeballs with a spork -JW

* * *

Bored. -SH

You know, you don't have to text me, I'm sitting four feet away from you in the same room. You could talk to me -JW

Boring. -SH

Ask Lestrade if there's any cold cases you could look at -JW

Dull. -SH

I want a real case. An exciting murder or kidnapping. -SH

Well I'm sure there'll be one soon -JW

Not soon enough. -SH

Get me some nicotine patches. -SH

Get them yourself -JW

I need to think. I can't think if I'm shopping for nicotine patches. -SH

So you mean I have to go down the shop for you -JW

Yes, thank you. -SH

What do you need to think about anyway -JW

Someone who has me rather... confused. -SH

You? Confused? I thought you didn't have a case on -JW

I don't. This person is someone from my personal life. -SH

Do you even have a personal life? -JW

I'm not going to dignify that with an answer. -SH

There wasn't any patches. Be home in ten -JW

Good. I need to tell you something. -SH

* * *

Where are you John? -SH

I'm downstairs -JW

Why? -SH

Because I'm making you breakfast. In bed, it would seem -JW

I don't need breakfast. -SH

You haven't eaten in two days sherlock -JW

We need to work on your capitalisation and punctuation, John. -SH

Piss off it's only texting -JW

Soon you'll start using abbreviation and emoticons. -SH

:) wuu2 -JW

I hate you. -SH

No you don't -JW

Just this once, I believe you may be correct. -SH

:D -JW

* * *

Thank you getting me the toast. -SH

You're welcome -JW

So. -SH

So -JW

Are we going to talk about last night -JW

I prefer to text. -SH

I guessed considering you're sitting next to me -JW

I could delete it. -SH

Why would you do that? Do you regret it? -JW

No. But I thought you might. -SH

Not in a million years. -JW

We have a military facility to break into today. We should get moving. -SH

I'm confused about this mysterious hound and what it has to do with baskerville -JW

You're always confused. -SH

Shut up -JW

* * *

Are you talking to me now? -SH

If you call me amazing again I might -JW

John, you are amazing. -SH

Meet me in the hotel room in five -JW

* * *

I know you don't wear ties, but I can think of a much better use of the one that you were given as a thank you present for solving the case -JW

:) -SH

Did you just use a smiley face? -JW

It seems to be your influences. You're making me... change. -SH

Come upstairs -JW

* * *

Trial almost over. They've reached a verdict. Will ring you once I'm out -JW

Not guilty. -SH

* * *

I can't believe you -JW

I'm busy. -SH

She's your friend sherlock -JW

She's been bloody shot -JW

I don't understand you anymore -JW

No one does. -SH

* * *

My therapist told me to say the things I never got a chance to say to you, but I can't say them aloud. I thought perhaps texting would be easier, seeing as we always used to communicate better that way anyway, so here goes. -JW

I loved you. I know I never told you that, but I wish I had. You were so much more than a flatmate. You were my best friend, my lover, and the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I never thought that I would find the love of my life within someone like you, but I'm glad I did. It's not fair that you were taken away from me just as we were starting out. No matter what everyone is saying, I believe in Sherlock Holmes. I don't believe for one second that you were a fraud. You were a brilliant man and unlike anyone I've ever met. Lestrade told me that Moriarty was found on the same roof you jumped off, having committed suicide himself. I know he was real. Moriarty was real. He made you do this somehow. I hope you didn't do it to protect me. If you did I'll kill you, Sherlock. I miss you. -JW

* * *

It's been a month now. My limp came back the day after your funeral. I couldn't bear to go back to 221b, so I'm back living in my old flat. It feels like everything is back to how it used to be. I tried working, but I just couldn't. I miss you. -JW

* * *

Six months. It doesn't seem possible. I miss you. -JW

* * *

A whole year has passed. I'm one year older, yet I feel as if I'm eighty. I've been going on a few dates with women, but none of them end well. They can tell I'm in love with you, I think. I couldn't date another man. I'm not gay, it was just you. Well, you weren't just any man, were you? I miss you. -JW

* * *

Hello, John. -MH

Mycroft? -JW

There is a car waiting for you outside your block of flats. I'd like you to get in it. -MH

Why -JW

It will take you where you need to go. -MH

I haven't seen you for eighteen months, why should I suddenly get in your car -JW

Trust me. -MH

* * *

Enter the blue door directly in front of you. -UNKNOWN NUMBER

Who is this? -JW

Please, John. -UNKNOWN NUMBER

Tell me who this is -JW

:) -UNKNOWN NUMBER


End file.
